Wole
Wole: Marginal Sports Correspondent, is the resident sports correspondent at The Bugle and speciallizes in the more off-beat type stories. Early Life Wole was born in a small hospital in Moca, Puerto Rico to Alice and Douglas Smith (the latter of whom was an aid to the British Ambassador to that nation). His first words were: "I am the seventeenth incarnation of the great god Sobek, and I wish to mate with you. Your reservations are noted, but any resistance is futile" Winona Ryder was said to be surprised, aroused, and then disgusted. He was given the name John. This detail would haunt Wole for much of his childhood, being constantly picked on for having a "made-up name." He therefore decided quite early that he’d have his name legally changed to something more "real" and polysyllablactic when he was old enough, but the judge authenticating the paperwork, wanting to escape work early to go play a few rounds of golf, absentmindedly jotted down "wole" on the line, and so John Smith became simply Wole. Career In a rare instance of coincidence, around this time Wole started his first job in the field of sports journalism; at WOLE-TV, a premier television broadcaster in the Puerto Rican province of Aguadilla. Unfortunately, Wole's Spanish was never that solid, having received most of his formal education in England, and so he was kicked out after insinuating that "the mustachioed chickens" had beaten the local baseball team and had subsequently "became albino." Wole then successfully got his mother to ask her famous brother, Edgar L. Randolph, to take him under his wing. Randolph was known for his ability to cover off-beat sports stories, but also famously received much critical acclaim for his coverage of the 1976 Olympic Games in Montreal. After several years under his uncle's tutelage, Wole blossomed into a full-fledged sports reporter, though he could never out-shine his uncle and was therefore considered nothing but a marginal sports correspondent. In April 2001 Wole was elected president of the irrelevant island nation of Nuaru, having received over 65 votes, most of which were members of his gay coven. Wole's first and only act of governance was to launch a bloody conflict with swaziland, which he perceived to be the nations historical nemesis's. Unfortunately Wole was unaware that swaziland is over 14000 km from Nauru, is landlocked, has never heard of Nauru, or indeed that neither nation has a standing army. After executing the first adviser who plucked up the courage to inform Wole, he resigned and was replaced by his vice president and pet cat Chairman Meow, who remains an effective but stern administrator. At The Bugle In the early stages of planning for the seminal work of comedic poli-satirical podcastery known as The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman decided he would be perfect to cover sports stories as well as the European side of world events. But John Oliver felt Andy would be distracted if England gave up so much as a goal in football to cover the rest of the news, and therefore another reporter should be contacted to fill the post. Into this void stepped Edgar L. Randolph. But when Randolph made an off-hand remark to Andy that, "Indian Cricket actually attained test status in 1947," Andy arranged for him to cover the Pan-Slavic Lawn-Dart Championships of 2003. While en route to the event through Ukrainian Countryside he would be carried off by a group of wild bears and was never seen again. After his uncle's mysterious death, Wole was offered to take his place as sports correspondent on the Bugle. Andy seems to have felt that a marginal sports correspondent would not be a threat to his superiority as "Knower of Sport" (this title is perhaps his most favored of all his many self-appointed titles, with the possible exception of "Emperor of All the Europes"). Fearing for his life, Wole has never attempted to correct the flawed title Andy has bestowed upon him, and has continued to cover the off-beat stories that made his Uncle well known and has, to this point at least, kept him away from Andy’s wrath. Fuck you Chris Category:People